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What a fun weekend! I took the Chinatown Bus up to New York (an adventure in itself, to be sure), then partied the weekend away with some college friends at Columbia.
On Saturday, I went to a Robbie Burns party, where we drank Scotch, ate haggis, and sang some right bawdy tunes.
Then on Sunday, I spent the day preparing for my friend Lauren’s fourth annual Oscar Party. Lauren throws these every year (though I haven’t been since I lived in NYC) and she goes all out. Every year, there’s an award for best costume, and she spends days crafting a gourmet menu of dishes specifically envisioned to match the awards ceremony. This year’s menu included Fennel Neverland, Million Dollar Baby Carrots with Tarragon, Ray-nbow Trout Pate with Cher-Ray Tomatoes, Stilton Tart with Thomas Hayden Chutney and, my favorite, Aviatort. For beverages, we did not have merlot.
We dressed up like characters from nominated movies. Can you guess mine? Can you guess Lauren’s (curly blonde hair)?
What a blast. Even if the Oscars kind of sucked.
I was supposed to go home on Monday morning, but a major snowstorm nipped those plans in the bud. ONe more day in manhattan. Think I can handle it?
Okay, I did it. I told my boss that I was leaving. It was more difficult than I thought (as evinced by the fact that it has taken me more than a month to get the courage to do so). He was a little surprised, to be sure, but then again, he’s losing both me and the old editor within a few weeks of each other.
(In passing, God grant me the strength to write a halfway decent farewell column, as reader response to others have ranged only from appalled to disgusted.)
Now I get to think about what I shall write in my own farewell column. I have deep respect for the restaurant scene of Tampa Bay, and I hope to convey that to the readership. I learned everything I know about food at these tables. I will miss them, as I will miss this job.
Ah, well. new horizons await.
So I’m minding my own business yesterday, reading one of the three threads at eHarlequin that I can bring myself to look at, when I came across this post by HQN editor Abby Zidle:
One of the “side effects” of RWA’s very effective teaching tools is that I’m seeing more and more mss. that are technically correct, but just kind of “meh” when it comes to storytelling. If I had to describe my submission pile, I’d say about 1% (if that) is “really good,” 10% is “laughably bad,” and the other 89% is “workmanlike.” Sadly, “workmanlike” is a double-edged sword–the books aren’t good enough for me to buy, but they’re too good for me to dismiss quickly, so they languish on my floor while I try to think of what to say in a rejection letter.
Maybe I need a “meh” form letter? 
That’s a very different rundown than provided by Ms. Nielsen Hayden in rather infamous post from last year. Perhaps sci fi (sorry, “speculative fiction”) editors have to deal with more functional illiteracy. Actually, judging from some of the fanfic I’ve read, that’s most certainly the case.
(By the way, I loved the post then, I love it now, I think she’s got every right in the world to lambast those embittered idiots at RejectionCollection.com. I don’t think I have a bigger pet peeve than those authors who feel the need to burn rejecting editor and agents in effigy, willfully misunderstand what is being said in a rejection letter, interpreting everything as a form letter, even those letters which are most obviously not, and finally, getting up in arms if any publishing professional dares deliver a form letter in response to their cherished baby!)
I was thinking about posting on this yesterday, but Cece’s post linking to Theresa’s sealed it for me.
I have received a rejection from Abby Zidle. She said the story didn’t interest her (so I must be in that 89%). When, a few months later, she judged the first chapter in the Jasmine Contest finals, she went into great detail on her scoresheet. I used her comments very heavily in my revisions. As I recall, she wrote that she thought the plot was too “category,” the heroine was unsympathetic, the hero was too “kitchen sink” in his background, and the sexual tension felt forced. She liked the setting, and thought I worked it to advantage. She liked the voice and dialogue. It was invaluable insight, sicne i was about to send it out to a bunch of agents, and I worked to streamline the hero’s background, ground the heroine’s motives, and smooth out any rough spots in the sexual tension. the plot? Well, I don’t really agree with her on that one, so I didn’t change it. I played up the setting, since she said ti was a strong point. I wrote her a thank you note, because it was all very helpful advice, and if I haven’t gotten under contract with another house by the time I write my next, I’ll give her another go, because I like HQN, and I like Ms. Zidle.
I like to think that within this 89% there is a great variety — as in, books that every editor in New York is going to find “meh” (the #11: “Someone could publish this book, but we don’t see why it should be us” fraction of Ms. Nielsen Hayden), vs. a “meh” response isolated to Ms Zidle which another house might see as “wow!” I remember being bowled over with shock last year when, in the middle of my conversation with a senior editor from a large romance publishing house, I mentioned a new writer who was selling her books to another house by the dozen, and the editor kind of shrugged and said, “I looked at that. Meh.”
Wait a second… you mean to tell me this is subjective?!?!?! Talk about a lightbulb moment. I think that’s when I started taking rejection less seriously. Yeah, that would be the instant. Naturally, I want no editor to deem my work “meh,” I want them all fighting over it so that it ends up being auctioned off like a prize pig. That’s the goal.
But meanwhile, I want just one editor to say “wow,” and snap me up. Soon.
Yesterday, I was told by a friend of mine that my writing was all over the map. Now, despite the advice of another friend of mine to ignore it, I found that I can’t let it go without some reflection. Is it true? Could this be a problem in my future?
Since starting off in this whole novel-writing experiment, in 2002, I’ve written four books, half of another, and a novella:
1) Contemporary category romance. Not viable — total training project. Rejected at partial stage.
2) Contemporary category romance. Award winner. Requested full under consideration.
3) Half of contemporary category romance, put aside to complete Book 5.
4) Contemporary romance novella.
5) Contemporary action adventure with romantic sub-plot.
6) Contemporary romance. Award winner. Requested full under consideration.
Books 1,2 and 3 were written for the same line. Book 6 began as a sequel to Book 3, but then morphed beyond category constraints. Books 1,2,3,4 and 6 are all the same tone: modern, sexy, contemporary romances. Book 5 is a modern, sexy, contemporary action adventure with a romantic subplot. Book 1 ain’t working, Book 3 needs a bit of reworking due to the craft advances I made while working on Books 4,5 and 6 (Book 2, by the way, was almost completely rewritten after receiving its request for this reason). I wouldn’t try to market books 4,5 or 6 without an agent, which I’m in the process of trying to land now.
So, where is the “all over the map” statement coming from? Perhaps from my newest projects?
7) Partial of chick lit.
 Just started YA chick lit.
Now, though I term one a chick lit and the other a YA chick lit, there are only three years of difference in the ages of each heroine. It’s entirely possible that my future agent will market them to the same place. These books are modern, sexy and contemporary. They just aren’t romances. So, not so much different.
I haven’t written any historicals, or fantasies, or other projects that are markedly different. I use the same voice for my fiction as I do for my newspaper articles. Yeah, my other friend was right. Ignore it. Glad I worked that one out, if only in my own head.
Three cheers for my man Jay!
I’m not big into reality shows. In fact, during the reality craze, the only show I ever watched more than once or twice was Joe MIllionaire (It was like a train wreck! I couldn’t turn away), The Joe Schmo Show (so meta!), Newlyweds (I saw that tuna thing the first time around) and this last season of America’s Next Top Model (Again with the train wreck). But I *loved* Project Runway. I loved the fashions — those people were truly talented. I actually didn’t get sucked into the drama of it until the next to last elimination.
In the first episode, I was cheering for Nora, whose placemat dress was the only wearable one of the bunch. I was never once into Austin — thought his stuff was too costumy. But by the third episode, I’d ditched Nora for Jay. It was his Chrysler Tower dress, an absolutely gorgeous concoction that he made under duress — he said it wasn’t his style, but he pulled it off, and it was phenomenal! From that point on, it was Jay all the way. I feel he was out and out robbed on several different challenges, and when he said, “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride,” in this last episode, I felt it was an ominous premonition.
Now, just between you and me, I was not a fan of Kara Saun’s collection. “Inspired” by The Aviator? Try col’ ganked from its costume designer. Jenny’s dress looked just like Gwen Stefani’s. And what was up with those darts? Were they meant to look like madonna’s pointy boobs? And don’t get me started on the ugly, space-bunny, neon green, Star Trek outfit. Or the fact that those shoes *were* a cheat — um, white boots with fur to match her dress? In a perfect world, yeah, she’d be able to use that for her collection, but not for the game. Totally unfair.
Wendy? Um, yeah. Melissa’s corset was nice. Not the skirt. And that’s about it. All that iridescent velvet. And what was with the suit? Blecch.
Jay’s was — it was awesome. I think the only thing I wouldn’t wear of that collection was teh final dress, the one Julia wore. The second to last outfit, with that win colored quilted jacket? Me. Want.
And I was sure he wouldn’t win. Positive of it. How could anyone beat the Angel Kara Saun? Certainly the Bridesmaid didn’t have a chance in hell. And then Nina Garcia, the bitchiest judge on the show, said she liked it. I had a small flare up of hope.
And then, the reveal: “Jay, your collection was wonderful, blah blah blah…. Kara, your collection was blah blah blah…. Jay….”
I sighed, because, after all, they were going to tell him he was “auout.” And then they said he won.
I screamed.
And then I went off to see if I could ever hope to afford that jacket.
1. Even if you don’t have a manuscript under submission, when an agent calls you, your heart thinks it’s about your work. It beats wildly for all of three seconds, and then you realize she’s just asking you about contest results.
2. There’s an RWA recognized, highly respectable publisher that is looking for Single Title submissions. Must be very sexy, and very special, since they have limited publication space. They have a reputation for jumpstarting some very big careers — and their books ROCK! Think about it.
3. According to one of those all important internet quizzes, I’m worth $1,778,971.87! Doesn’t sound like much. How much are you worth?
4. Drew Barrymore has done more in her thirty years on the planet than most people have ever dreamed of. Makes you think, huh? makes me think I’d better get on the ball.
5. Since I’m still ruminating on Hunter S. Thompson’s suicide, I’ve been re-reading my collection — not of his writings, it’s too soon for that — but of Transmetropolitan. It’s an awesome comic book. The premise, as far as I can tell, is Hunter S. Thompson in a dystopian city of the future, with a machine gun. Anyway, read it, love it.
6. I don’t watch The Gilmore Girls, but it was on last night. Um, Rory goes to my alma mater! How did I miss this? Must have been in all the papers while I was in Australia or something. Anyway, props to the set designer, because it looks SO REAL. I understand they have Yale consultants on set. In addition, I got to see my Buffy-baby Danny Strong (Jonathan), playing a super-accurate, wormy little YDN editor. I laughed my ass off!
So I was at a restaurant the other day, and the hostess was admiring my Maggie Award. The conversation went like this:
Hostess: What a great necklace! Where did you get it?
Me: Actually, it’s a writing award.
Hostess: Oh, what did you write? A poem?
Me: A romance novel.
Waitress: You’re an *author*?!?
Me: (blushing and now wishing I’d just said, “Thanks. Georgia.”)
I love my Maggie, and it’s a beautiful necklace. I wear it every day. Sometimes, I think it’s the only thing that keeps me going. Does that sound awful? I wear it as a reminder, that I *can* do this, that I *am* good at it, that all it’s going to take is the right manuscript on the right editor’s desk at the right time, and I’ll be in business. When I get a rejection, I hold it, and I’m reminded. When I feel despondent, I look at it, take a deep breath, and plod forward. Restaurateurs tack up the first dollar they ever made, knights errant carry with them the colors of their lady loves. I have my Maggie.
Eh. I knew it would either be her or Briar Rose. Though I’ve always liked Belle a great deal.
You Are Ariel!
Headstrong and fiesty. You have a mind of your own that’s full of romantic dreams about the world around you. Exploring exotic places is your ultimate dream, and although you can be a little naive you’ll realize that there is something to be gained from your family’s wisdom.
Which Disney Princess Are You?
Got this fun little bit of spam in my inbox today. Now, before I get into the email, I would like to point out that I have nothing against self publishing, and applaud the people brave enough to go the self publishing route. It is also categorically not for me. I do not have the time, capital or marketing acumen to turn any kind of self-published project into a success. That’s not where I want to put my efforts. I’m looking for a contract with a decently-sized house with a proven track record of getting books into the hands of readers. I’m spending enough money investing in that process.
So, with that in mind, my reactions:
Dear Diana,
My name is M________ and I work for Xlibris, a print-on-demand self-publishing company. If you don’t mind, I wanted to take a moment to let you know how we can help you become a publishing success.
Can you hook me up with a major agent? Pretty please?
Xlibris is partially owned by Random House Ventures, LLC, a subsidiary of Random House, the world’s largest trade book publisher. Every day, we help authors just like you by offering flexible, inexpensive methods of editing, marketing, distributing, and selling books. To date, we have published over 10,000 titles, paid our authors more than $1,000,000 in royalties, and paved the way for many of them to win contracts with traditional publishers such as St. Martin’s Press, Kensington, and Bantam Books.
You don’t say! Well, sign me right up. I want to win a contract with traditional publishers such as St. Martin’s Press, Kensington, and Bantam Books. Or at least one of these. Interesting that they don’t mention that Bantam Books is also a subsidiary of Random House, the world’s largest trade book publisher.
Writers choose Xlibris because we are known for excellence. Here is what recently-published author M______ had to say about us:
“The fact that I could self-publish in such a convenient amount of time with such a spectacular end product from cover to inner layout still remains unbelievable. And for such a reasonable price! In a world of publishing that seems so impossible to break into, Xlibris has given me the power to present my fiction to as many people as I am able in the most professional package available…
“As many people as [he] is able,” considering he’s doing all the work and paying all the money. Fortunately:
We are so confident you’ll be thrilled with our services that we back them up with a 100% money-back guarantee.
I’m sure their printer is fine. Unfortunately:
Xlibris has a complete line of both trade and full-color publishing services. We can work with anything from 700-page novels to 24-page color children’s books.
What if my manuscript is seven hundred and ONE pages? Uh-oh.
We’d love to talk with you about any of your publishing projects and how Xlibris might be able to help. Please click here to register for more information. If you’d prefer, you can call us toll free and ask to speak with a Publishing Consultant. Each month, we run special offers for new submissions. So contact us today!
Oh, how I wish Harlequin ran special offers on new submissions every month! “Send us your manuscript now, and we’ll give you a special, one time only, 10% off chance of rejecting you!” How much would that rock my world?
PS - I’m sorry if I’ve disturbed you. If you don’t want to receive any more messages from Xlibris, please let me know by clicking here.
Hey, at least she apologizes for her spam. I wonder, though, how she finds these clients. Does she google “writers” or “manuscripts”? Does she get on one writer’s website and radiate outwards to all the unpublished writers through website links? This isn’t like one of those blanket viagra spams, where her offer to enlarge my penis size is laughable. This was targetted! Go targetted marketing!
I wonder if they do any of that when trying to sell their clients’ books?
I recently received the following email from one of my readers:
Subject: HELP
Diana,
I have an interesting situation. I had reservations at two restaurants for Valentines Day(Berns and Melting Pot) of which I was going to allow my girlfriend to choose. But at the time she stated that being that it was a Monday, she’d rather not go out and stay in. Well just this week she decided she would like to go out which leaves me searching to find a place.
[Ed. Note: Bern's is the premiere fancy steakhouse in town, and if a person is so lucky as to secure V-day rezzies there, they'd be a fool to give them up. I used to wait tables at the Melting Pot, back in my undergrad days, and our busiest night was always Feb. 14th. Something about melted chocolate and lovers. Bottom line is, this dude was on top of his game.]
At first, I was inclined not to believe him. After all, where is the man who makes reservations at what are arguably the two best restaurants in town to take your S.O. on Valentine’s Day? Is this “girlfriend” of his really a woman (because I don’t know a single straight man who’s that on top of things)? But the rest of the email (in which he listed alternatives and asked for advice) indicated that indeed, he was thinking this through.
I told him that his last minute substitute seemed fine, but more importantly, he shouldn’t put up with his girlfriend’s mind games. He’d made excellent plans (I only wish my boyfriend had thought half as much about V-day — Sailor Boy’s “plans” amounted to, “You don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day, do you?” as we’re standing in line by the choclate in CVS). The girlfriend was the one who was wishy washy, and he should not be held accountable for the fact aht she displays the gratitude and emotional maturity of a bouillion cube.
And finally, I’m more than a little inclined to give out this fellow’s phone number, since I’m sure there are dozens of women who would have fallen over dead had their sweeties made plans at the two most romantic restaurants in Tampa Bay (did I mention Bern’s private dessert rooms?) and asked them to choose which delight they preferred. Honey, any time you want a real woman, let me know.
Yep, that’s me. Food critic and advice columnist, at your service.
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