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I missed the whole QueryFail brouhaha while in Ireland. But after reading the actual twitter posts (I refuse to say “tweet,” what is that nonsense?) as well as some commentary on the subject, I’m inclined to think it wasn’t the massive lapse in professionalism the detractors are making it out to be. To begin with, if the detractors, mostly in blog comments, are actually the type of people who read industry blogs, and listen to what the industry blogs have to say, they aren’t about to appear on query fail. And the queries that were discussed (or minorly quoted) aren’t examples of your regular, garden variety rejectable queries. They are queries that for some reason or another are REALLY wrong: wrong-headed, ignorant, ridiculous. This isn’t a story that sounds a bit boring or overdone or unmarketable. This is someone who refused to take even five minutes to see what is the proper way to query that agent. 640,000 word manuscripts. Queries sent to email addresses that are not open to equeries. Queries that ask agents to “publish” the book. Queries that include lingerie. Lingerie! And it’s the agents who are acting unprofessionally? I think not.
Unfortunately (and perhaps fortunately) the entire exercise was preaching to the choir. Those who would bother reading the twitter posts of experienced agents to see what they are looking for in a query are unlikely to be the kind of writers who think putting a thong in a query letter is a rockin’ idea. And those drama queens who did not find “don’t send underwear” useful *or* hilarious and are recommending blackballing the agents who participated are probably the ones stocking up at Vicky’s Secret. It’s a win-win, as far as I’m concerned.
Queries are not rocket science. If you follow a few basic guidelines, you will already be so far ahead of the game. Most of the queries agents get are completely wack-a-doodle. Crayon scrawls. Notes from prison. Obvious rip-offs of published books (yes, even those “experimental” let’s-see-if-they-would-reject-Jane-Austen-now games that newspapers like to play from time to time — you aren’t getting rejected as Jane, you nincompoops, you’re getting rejected as a crazy person ripping off Jane!), dire warnings that if the agent rejects them, they will do themselves bodily harm. I’m not even joking.
Then there’s stuff like this:
I have been queried via email by a man writing as [redacted], whose email ID says [redacted]–so I’m not really sure who he actually is. He has queried me at least once a month since November for an adult historical novel–the same novel in every query.
In November and December I sent him form rejections, which state clearly that I only represent children’s books and outline my submission policy. After that, I just deleted his inquiries.
I just got another, and this time I sent him a firm reply asking him to remove me from his email list and stating how many times I’d heard from him already.
This is what I got back:
“I know you would like to be left alone. But you are a literary agent, and I have a job to do. And I do apologize for any future queries that you must receive.
“But until [my novel] is published, you will be queried.”
Wow. The depth to which this guy does not get it is rather astounding. His job is not, as he believes, to send repeat blanket queries to anyone who describes him or herself as “a literary agent.” It is to write a great book, write a great query, refashion that query for the needs and guidelines of a finite (if wide) group of carefully filtered and targeted literary agents who handle the type of work he writes. Once per book.
And then there are the desperate. People: don’t be desperate. It doesn’t work in romance, it doesn’t work in bookselling. I know I’ve talked about this before, but I was reminded again of how many people seem to think the path to gaining an agent’s attention involves grovelling and self-deprecation by this post at BookEnds Literary Agency blog:
What would you do if you found out this is the query your agent was sending out to editors?
Dear Editor:
I know how incredibly busy you are so thank you so much for taking the time to read this query. I’ll try to make it as short as possible because I know you get hundreds of submissions each day from agents who are more important than I am. I have an author that you might want to read. She doesn’t have much experience and she’s pretty young, only about 22, but she’s written a book that I think will probably appeal to your tastes, well it might anyway. Now the market is tough, I realize that, and publishing houses are cutting back on buying books but I still hope you’ll want to at least look at this and tell me what you think.
The post goes on to ask why it is they see queries like that all the time.
Heck, I see queries like that all the time, and I’m not even a literary agent. I see them put up for critique on writer’s forums. I see questions like that posed to literary agents who have chosen to come share their time and expertise on blogs and writing loops and at conferences. They’ve already made the commitment. Yes, thank you. But can all the rest of the “I’m but a lowly commoner standing in the light of the emperor” crapola. Sell yourself! Don’t be desperate!
Remember, you’re not the person sending in underwear. You’re already so far ahead of the game!
And read that whole BookEnds post. It’s enlightening stuff.
 Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if SB were also a writer. Carrie’s fiance J.P. writes spec fic. Justine and Scott are a YA power couple. And then there’s Lauren Baratz-Logsted, who on top of writing her own fantastic, nuanced YA (and chick lit, and literary thrillers and anything else this powerhouse puts her mind to), is married to a man who writes YA. They even co-write (with their daughter, Jackie) an awesome children’s series called THE SISTERS EIGHT.
There’s an online event this Thursday at which I plan to fangirl gush, beg shamelessly for an early copy of Crazy Beautiful (OMG, WANT), and interrogate them about the wonders and challenges of being the Von Trapps of the kidlit world:
To learn more these authors, you can visit their websites: www.LaurenBaratzLogsted.com and www.GregLogsted.com.
What: Online Chat with Lauren Baratz-Logsted & Greg Logsted (and giveaway of Sister’s Eight: ANNIE’S ADVENTURES, signed by all three authors, as well as an autographed copy of Greg Logsted’s SOMETHING HAPPENED!)
When: Thursday, March 19th @ 9pm ET
Where: The TKA Chat Room
How Do You Chat: Visit the chat room here: http://client1.addonchat.com/sc.php?id=115545. Enter a username and password (this can be any combination). Your computer must be Java enabled to chat.
See you there!
Late night onset of a head cold. I’m going to blame Cassie, I think, who was sick whilst in Ireland. Miserable night spent trying to relax around the pressure building up in my ears. I really hope this bad boy doesn’t decide to settle in my ears. That would suck.
Am now searching frantically for my supply of Airborne, and sucking on zinc lozenges hoping to knock it out ASAP. The Advil Cold and Sinus is kicking in. Thank God.
Rio, spending her first day outside of her crate in weeks, seems to think I exist solely for her pleasure. But I need to work. My To Do list is truly frightening. I have a deadline coming up.
Do you want to win an ARC of Tap & Gown? Leave me an SSG-themed Limerick in this post (or its LJ equivalent). You have until Friday.
J asks:
“I was wondering how important you think it is to hire an editor to go over a manuscript before attempting to give it an agent?”
Dear J,
Not important at all. I have never done so, and though I have heard stories of unpublished writers hiring “professional editors” before submitting their work, I do not personally know any published author who has at any time done so. I believe that the practice is more common among non-fiction authors who may be experts in their field (like psychology, cooking, economics, interior design, etc.) but are not actually writers, and thus need assistance getting their expertise on the page. This is also the purpose of ghostwriters. Fiction writers, on the other hand, are supposed to be experts in WRITING.
On the other hand, I have heard many stories from agents who say that the phrase “this manuscript has been professionally edited” on a query letter is a red flag and the mark of an amateur. If authors are coming to a submission with something that has already been “edited” (And one of the reasons this is such a red flag for agents is because there are so many scam or useless “editing” outfits out there), then the immediate question is, “Well, what is this writer REALLY like?” A novelist has nothing to recommend herself other than her writing.
One more thing. I do know a few authors who, times being what they are, have found themselves under contract with an overburdened editor who might have cut corners in the revision stage, and the authors hired out with a freelancer to make sure their book — under contract and bound to appear on shelves– was in the best shape it could be in. I would like to stress that I have never found myself in this situation, and both of my editors are real taskmasters. The hiring of the freelance editors in these rare situations were cases of last resort. The book was going to go onto shelves and it needed a more thorough vetting than what it had received in house. The investment into the freelancer (which is not insignificant — we’re talking thousands of dollars) was paid for with advance monies, the same way the writer might pay for promotion of the book.
For submissions, however, no. A “professional editor” is not a magic ticket, and may even hinder your chances. There’s a famous story about the author of the acclaimed science fiction novel, THE SPARROW, who received an offer from her agent, and told the agent that she wished they would wait until they read the work, which was currently out for editing from [scam professional editor]. The agency was vastly relieved they’d gotten their hands on the manuscript before the “editor” hacked it to pieces, which is exactly what they discovered that the editor did.
Get thee a good critique partner or group and call it a day.
I’m helping to kick off the first ever NYC Teen Author Festival (March 16-22, 2009) this Monday with the following, absolutely unmissable event:
Juvenilia Smackdown
Monday, 16 March, 4-6pm, Tompkins Square Park branch of the NYPL, 331 E. 10th Street
Join Holly Black, Cassandra Clare, Alaya Dawn Johnson, Justine Larbalestier, David Levithan, Diana Peterfreund, Scott Westerfeld as they read some of their (ahem) less accomplished work from their teenage and pre-teenage years. Hosted by Libba Bray.
I don’t know if I’m going to be able to go through with it, frankly. Not because I don’t have the guts to read my old dreck, but because, as I was picking the finalists this morning, I was barely able to get through some sentences for the laughter. And I know I’ll probably already be half in hysterics from the other laughing. (Holly, I know from experience, is especially adept at reading aloud for humorous effect.)
Sadly, my high school magnum opus, a futuristic post-apocalyptic fantasy written in longhand in a marbled blue spiral bound notebook, has mysteriously gone missing from its place of honor on our living room bookshelf. And by “magnum opus,” I mean I managed to actuallyw rite some of it. What I’ve discovered in going through my paperwork is that I never actually wrote as much of these stories as what lived in my head. I had this idea I had half a hisotrical romance lying around, but when I put hands on it, I realized I only had about three pages. Again, longhand.
I am now even more impressed with myself that I have managed to complete nine whole novels. I often tell the story that I joined RWA after winning a bet with myself that I could write a whole book. Now I see that I was right to have made that bet.
Speaking of, my ninth novel (9th to be written, 4th to be published, and #8 will be 5th — if you follow all that) just arrived on my doorstep in beautiful ARC form. I would do the usual picture of me surrounded by my ARCs, but alas, my camera, she died in Ireland. Poor girl. So just trust me that Tap & Gown looks splendiferous. I really love the interior design on this one. We were able to go hog wild with the decorations and every confession is wearing a jaunty little mortarboard and tassel.
So… I’m thinking I should do a giveaway. What say you? Want to be the first person on the block to read it? (Okay, the eighth person, since Carrie, Erica, Julie, my editor, my agent, and my copyeditor have all read it, and my best friend just snatched up her copy of the ARC and was like “Awesome, now I get to find out what happens to Amy and Poe!”) But it’s unlikely that any of these people actually live on your block, so I guess that’s cool.
I think the first giveaway will be right here on the blog. Lasts until Friday. Leave a comment here, and because I’m especially evil, and spent the last week in Limerick, I’ve decided that to be eligible for entry, you must include a limerick on the subject of the SSG books (unicorns optional).
Yeah, it’s annoying. But not as annoying as that dude who made us sing for our whiskey at the local pub. Fill the comments section below with limericks, and win yourself an ARC OF TAP & GOWN!!!!
Enter as many times as you dare (Multiple limericks will count as multiple entries, so do me a favor and post them as separate comments.) You have until Friday.
See you New Yorkers at the Tompkins Square Park Library tomorrow at 4!
Today is my last day in Ireland. Sad Face. Also, I broke my camera, so there will likely be very few pictures of today’s trip to the fairy fort.
On the plus side, March’s Secret Story, “Poe at the Gates” is now available for my newsletter subscribers here. Enjoy!
(Quoth SB: “The quality of this picture can only partially convey the despondency she displayed upon finding me dressing for work this morning.”)
Mommy has been gone almost a week now. I have been getting intimately acquainted with the interior of my kennel. Is this the life of most dogs, left alone in their house all day to fend for themselves, nothing but a few peanut-butter-filled kongs and a nylabone or two for company?
Sure, my grandmother lets me out to run around and play at noon, and when Daddy comes home in the evening, he makes sure we have a lovely catch and lots of snuggly quality time, but it’s not the same. Where is Mommy? Where is this stupid Ireland place?
I swear, if I find out she’s been going on walks with the castle cats or playing around with the gorgeous blue-eyed grey dog that lives in the garden or feeding carrots (my favorite treat next to peanut butter!) to the castle’s old rescue donkey, or chasing the castle peacocks — well, hell hath no fury like a puppy not played with, I’ll tell you what.
I really don’t know. Perhaps later I’ll be able to parse this experience. Is it:
- The hours spent on a fainting couch working on my latest project
- The chance to discuss craft, genre, and industry with talented colleagues at all hours of the day and night
- Listening to an impromptu parody of my novel which includes the line: “It’s my slave name, baby, but you can call me that if you want to. Kinda kinky.”
- All kinds of ungetable ARCs sprinkled about the castle like carrots on sticks
- The pots of tea
- All the book recs (I am personally recommending MY LIFE AS A RHOMBUS)
- The dramatic readings of classic works of literature
- The amazing bathtubs
- the antique beds
- the peacocks
Things I am finding less enjoyable:
- Discovering I have a major themtic error I must address
First thing’s first: Are you following the Team Castle Twitter Feed? High tea, peacocks, and lots of anonymous “overheards…”
Today marks the release date for two of the denizens of the Castle: Carrie Ryan’s debut, THE FOREST OF HANDS AND TEETH, and Jennifer Lynn Barnes’s latest, FATE. Check them out! (I have not read Jennifer’s book, but I already know and love Carrie’s — it’s really going to knock your socks off.)
Feeling a bit like the lady of a manor house, even though Carrie got the “lady of the manor house” room. My room is small, but it’s charms are many. For instance, my bed is four hundred years old. My bed is twice as old as the country of my birth. Here is a picture:
It’s also so comfortable!
Yesterday we made a glorious high tea with cucumber sandwiches, egg sandwiches, banana bread, scones, cream, the best honey I have ever had in my entire life, and my very well-received chicken salad sandwiches. The dining room has a massive candlebra. I have not taken a picture of that.
However, I have taken several of the castle peacocks:
:
Holly Black and her awesome galoshes attempts to pose with the Castle Peacock.
She has far more luck with his harem of Castle Peahens.
There are supposedly deer. I have yet to see them. There is also an inordinate amount of pink. Observe:
Sarah Cross and Ally Carter take a break from firestarting duties to show off their rosy fashions.
Carrie Ryan and I flash our fabu fingerless gloves in magenta hues.
Yes, I have a big furry hat. No, it is not made from the skin of dead killer unicorns.
More castley goodness later! Now, I must write! (And have tea.)
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